Authentic

 

Authentic

~

Whenever I hear 'Authentic' I'm drawn back to the memory of a very specific point in my life... the (at the time) burning wreckage of what had previously been known as my marriage. As my ex and I had been painfully untangling our lives, one of the phrases she had been fond of using was that she "had to be true to herself... to be Authentic”.

So here's what I consider Authentic.

~

I called the doctor’s office frantically searching for an appointment slot, only to find out my usual primary care physician had the day off. In a delightfully chipper voice the receptionist informed me there was an opening with the doctor who happened to be available. Same day. Due to the circumstances I accepted. 

My stomach twisted in knots as I waited. The hands on the nearby wall clock hovered in a state of suspended animation, defying any expectation to move onward. The phenomenon was my only distraction from the nausea building in my gut. One by one, others in the waiting room who had been ahead of me were called and exchanged pleasantries with their respective nurses before being ushered away to the smaller rooms in back.

The stupid clock was beginning to frustrate me. There was simply no way only a handful of moments had passed since I was seated. At one point, I swear I saw the seconds hand tick backward before continuing its march onward.

“Thomas?”

Snapped out from my thoughts, I was suddenly aware of the rolling in my stomach again. I stood, forced a brief smile, then followed the nurse through the door and down a hallway to the new waiting area. At some point during the walk she had started some light banter which I was totally oblivious to. In the new room she cycled through the usual tests... blood pressure, eyes, heart, all while asking the normal questions I did my best to answer.

"The doctor will be with you shortly." she said finally. She left and I was alone again with my thoughts.

There wasn't a clock in the small, unadorned room, but nonetheless it was obviously susceptible to the same  maddening time dilation effect. I stood and waited. I sat and waited. Waited some more. Stood back up. Started pacing. My stomach threatened to revolt.

Eventually there was a knock. The pleasant features of a slender, middle aged woman peaked from around the door. She introduced herself but her name still eludes me even now. Meanwhile my guts screamed bloody murder.

"What brings you in today?" She asked.

It was time.

"I would like to be tested for..." I felt heat rising in my cheeks. "...possible STD's."

She seemed completely un-phased by the request. A dash of embarrassment mixed with my growing emotional cocktail. Of course she wasn't surprised, this was just another day at the office. I don't remember details after that, but eventually conversation turned to the discoloration on my dick and she asked to see it.

It was like an out of body experience. As she examined me I heard myself beginning to spout all the things I'd promised myself to keep close to my heart. 

"...apparently she was with multiple men..."

"...the condom broke with one of them..."

My throat choked and I began stumbling over the words. When I felt my eyes beginning to betray me as well, I fought back with everything I had in me. I stood in front of this woman I'd just met, struggling not to break down with my pants and underwear around my ankles, while she held my rashy cock in a gloved hand. It was the single worst, most humiliating thing I'd ever experienced. 

When I met her eyes, the look she gave in return was one of simple, pure human empathy.

"I'm so sorry."

In that moment, it was the only thing I needed.

Anyway, come to find out it was nothing more than a simple skin allergy. After some medication it was gone in a few days. It turns out my unfortunate skin sensitivities broke the truth of my marriage wide open, and sent my life spiraling in an entirely different direction.  

So now, when I think of 'Authentic', I think of that room... and that pitying look on the doctors face.